You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
