even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Randomize
