I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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