Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
