You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
