a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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