Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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