Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
