Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
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