oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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