i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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