I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
