If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
