I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
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