I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
