Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
