I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
So many bounce houses so little time
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
