You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize