gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
