Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Randomize
