I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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