this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
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