Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
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