Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
