I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
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