I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
