It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
