If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize