If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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