I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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