this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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