Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
