The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
