apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Too much gin, very little bucket
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
