i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Randomize
