I have demons in me.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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