Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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