I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
