my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
