What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I CAN MOONWALK!
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
