so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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