I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
