and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
