I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
