Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
