You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Randomize
