I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
