Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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