Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
In America we eat man semen.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
