Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
