so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
