Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
