I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
