just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
