So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
