I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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