did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
All the doctor said was why
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize
