I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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