i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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