and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
