Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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