Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize