i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
