Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
